Slipped

Photo from my Tumblr

As the train passed by, I saw fragments, broken images and distorted colors, like a skipping roll of film; its faint lights blinking from a distance.

It was a particularly cold night as I stood on the deserted platform of the train station and watched the fluorescent lights flicker. The wind blew the short strands of hair that were tickling my forehead.

The doors slid open and I took a step inside the cart, taking a seat inches away from an old lady cussing on her cell phone. As the train rocked me back and forth, I took a deep breath. I was able to get through another day.

Sometime during my daily commute, I saw her.

She was leaning on the metal pole, wearing a black sweater and reading the first few pages of a book. I noticed how gracefully her fingers moved with every flip of the page and how thoughtfully she read through every word, trying to hide her smile. I watched her run her hands through her auburn hair and how perfectly it fell and framed her face. Her small nose was tainted with freckles, and when she did smile, there were faint lines around her eyes.

I have never, in my mundane and exceedingly ordinary life, have seen someone so beautiful.

She looked at me and smiled, but right before I could muster enough courage to say hello, she got off the train. I watched her walk away.

I never saw her again after that. That's how things are these days. Short-lived. Instantaneous. Never absolute, always unsure.

But in between the dull nights, robotic movements and unnoticed moments, I will remember her grace and shameless quirks, and how she beamed in the most effortless manner. I will remember her.

Possibilities

GIF from my Tumblr

You once told me how drawn you are to skies because its vastness tells you that there’s so much more beyond us.

With that, I’ve realized that everything that we have yet to know and feel is everything that I want to experience with you.

I’ve always thought that falling in love felt like an instant short of breath or fireworks ringing in my ears. But maybe there is a different kind of love, one that grows on me, one that may not arrive in the most lavish and outrageous manner, but one that arrives quietly, slowly, in the smallest but surest of steps. And maybe that’s the kind of love I am already feeling with you.

Jump

Photo from my Tumblr

I think it’s quite ironic that most people try to make sense of what love is, when love is really supposed to be something easy. But we portray it as something tragic and unattainable, and something that could lead to our ultimate downfall. We question its existence, its power, and even our capability to acquire it for ourselves and for other people.

Maybe it’s the circumstances which surround love that make us believe that it’s horrible - the fickle nature of humans when one decides to lose emotion for the other or love someone else, the universe’s wrong timing, proving that two people are not right for one another - when love in itself is actually crazily beautiful.

I know that these circumstances can’t be exclusive of love. And they aren’t that simple either, because life just isn’t. But if we’re lucky, these circumstances can actually go according to our wishes. They can help make us better people. They would come and evolve at the right place and at the right time.

These circumstances would lead to a love that is right, that is nurturing and that is perfect in its own way.

Perhaps it’ll come after a horrible break-up. Or the death of a loved one. Or a time when we’ve decided to give up. Maybe this love never come, and that should be fine too.

But maybe we’ll be ready when it does.

To better things

Photo from my Tumblr

“How does it feel to revisit something you once walked away from?” he asked.

There is something that will make me reach for it again, I said, but it’s different. I seem to have forgotten what it’s like to be in that beautiful and tragic place. It’s familiar and warm, but it’s also sad. Nothing seems to belong anymore.

Even so, I long for it. Just a little bit. There will always be a longing for it because it used to be a part of me. It used to consume me because it was the most important thing in the world. It gave me purpose. ‘This is it,’ I would say. I was wrong.

I figured we never really get it right anyway. And maybe we’re wired that way, missing everything and everyone. But we don’t tie ourselves down to that kind of thinking either, especially when it doesn’t make us happy anymore.

Because like everybody else, I eventually left and moved on. It takes a lot of time and a lot of heartache to see it, but we move on and we find it.

We move on from certain dreams and certain wishes. We move on from moments and from each other.

And contrary to what we thought, it actually does get better.

From troubled beginnings

Photo from my Tumblr

Most of us trot in this world without a faint idea of where to go and what to do next.

Some of us are okay with that, and some of us aren’t.

We get into all these different things, meet different people, and get our hearts broken. And it cripples us, having to be pushed too far and having to settle for what we don’t deserve. It tires us, having to keep hoping, and having to regain strength and resilience to make mistakes, just to be disappointed over and over again.

But some of us have reached a point where we’re finally sure of something. And we’ve suddenly never been happier.

We’ve taken the initiative to find happiness instead of waiting for it. We’ve stopped doubting ourselves and started taking risks. We knew it wouldn’t be easy, but we kept going, knowing that continuously falling flat on our faces would eventually make us better people, those who are more prepared to face the world we still find beautiful, no matter what damage it has caused us.

It may have cost us a lot of things: leaving the people we once were, changing our ideals, and maybe even our passions or what we found most fulfilling. We may have let go of the things that used to matter and even the people we once loved.

But through all the gambles and stumbles, we’ve grown and become brave enough to venture into what we were once afraid of. We finally found what we’ve been looking for.

It’s thrilling to know that although many doubts remain and many dangerous adventures are out there for us to explore, at least at this point in our lives, we’re lucky enough to know that we’re where we want to be.

To my future lover

From my Tumblr

This is for the person I may or may not come across in my life.

I’m not going to tell you things about myself that I wish you would accept, or my quirks that you would hopefully find adorable. I’m not going to paint a picture of how I’d like you to be, or list some deal breakers that you should, at all costs, avoid.

I’m going to tell you that I don’t quite know what love really is. I don’t know the ideal love shared between two people, the kind that everybody wants. I’ve gone through things that have dramatically altered my views and expectations on that sort of thing, so I never really knew how to define it.

But no matter what definition I have of love, may it be completely sure or completely distorted, know this.

I’m thankful that I’ve met the person I’ve been saving my love for, the kind I’ve secretly believed always existed. I’m glad I’ve met the one who respects and understands the kind of love I am willing to give, the love I was always reluctant to face.

And even if we may not have the kind of future we’d hope for, I’d like to thank you for teaching me to be brave and for sharing these moments with me anyway.

Even so, I will love you for many reasons, but I will also love you for making me believe that this is something I can finally be sure of.

In all its tenderness

Taken by me

The stars tonight make me realize how many different worlds comprise the universe. I realize how vast our existence is and how trivial we may be.

These stars represent the worlds we know, the ones we can always escape to. But what happens when the worlds we find solace in end up being the same worlds we try running away from?

I use the energy I have left, shove the hesitance and slowly stand from the boulder I sat on. I take a deep breath and snuggle in my hoodie as I savor the cool breeze caressing my skin. I chuckle as the grass under my feet tickles my bony ankles. I watch the queer shadows and how they dance with the orange and vibrant flames, how these enticing flames would emit the most comforting heat being pressed against my skin.

I gaze at the midnight sky and notice how the stars resting on the mountain tops leave diamonds on the tips of weeds. I notice how the dying stars still manage to radiate faint surges of light. I watch the leaves fall off branches and land on damp soil in the most delicate way, the calm ripples of the lake and the silhouettes of islands surrounding this place we now deem our sanctuary.

I stare into the horizon and at the countless entities that still make my eyes glimmer, despite the darkness in which I constantly stumble.

The world’s tenderness found its way through. It has momentarily relieved me of the pain and has left me feeling more alive than ever as I no longer found the need to run away. I breathe a sigh of relief, close my eyes and listen to the warm laughter emerging from that calm night, a night I’d look back on with ultimate gratitude and affection.

Unrequited

From my Tumblr

I stared at the white, textured walls and felt that ongoing tug in my chest as you stood next to me.

I couldn’t deny that there seemed to be more to what we had and signed up for, something unspoken and not completely acknowledged. It was more than just the effortless and giddy vibes, the thoughtful gifts and meaningful conversations that ranged from playful to stimulating.

You were helping me become a better person. And the more I was with you the less fearful I was of my capability to love someone again.

But I suppose that bliss was only short-lived. Although I was never a hundred percent sure with you, or with anyone for that matter, I knew that what I’ve been feeling for you then was something I wanted to fight for and eventually did, even if you didn’t want to anymore. But I couldn’t complain because I was never yours and you were never mine.

I can’t deny the cracks you’ve caused and the bright streams of light that managed to make its way through the wall I’ve constantly built. That’s what I held on to, no matter how much I knew that it was better to live our lives apart as two people who have different paths and different dreams, people who needed to grow on their own.

In that defining moment, I couldn’t utter the words, asking you to stay with me. I couldn’t look at your sore and sad eyes and I couldn’t watch you eventually walk away. I turned around, closed my eyes and emitted tears because I knew you wouldn’t be there anymore.

Something got lost along the way when your priorities changed, as if I was no longer one of them. And I knew that I could no longer take the feeling of neglect and unrequited compromise. I could no longer believe that I mattered enough.

Even then, I won’t ever regret placing myself in a position of ambiguity and taking another chance because I knew you were worth it.

As I stood by that isolated corner, I felt the winds tease the strands of my hair. I took a deep breath, set aside the hurt for a moment and whispered words of gratitude. Thank you for being with me and for making me realize why it is only right to let go.

My last letter to the boy in the ocean

From http://itiswrittenforyou.files.wordpress.com

We find ourselves alone again.

But before we completely swim in different directions, I’d like to let you know a few things.

I’m sorry we weren’t able to take our much-awaited adventures together. I’m sorry we sailed when the tides weren’t in cadence and I’m sorry I had to make a choice, for fear of us both getting stuck among stormy skies and roaring waves.

Thank you for understanding, appreciating and accepting my prune-like fingers. For watching the skies change with me. For loving and marveling at how the sunlight seeps through the ocean surface, and tangles the curves of our bodies so perfectly. For reminding me that the depth we were submerged in and the saltiness of the water was, at one point, actually harmless. For soothing me and keeping me warm when I felt chills from the water’s sudden or random change of temperature.

Thank you for guiding me as I stepped off the shore despite the grave uncertainties and possible dangers you knew were in store for us.

As I plunge deeper, explore further, and eventually find solace and be at peace with the ocean’s foreign entities I once knew, I would silently pray and be grateful for meeting the boy who helped me learn how to breathe underwater. I’m learning again.

And even though I couldn’t join you or even allow you to compromise the kind of voyage you deserve, I’m glad I didn’t drift away, even when I had multiple chances to.

I really did enjoy my stay and I hope you did too.

I hope you never forget that whether we do it together or apart, the ocean is still ours to conquer.

The white lady I saw in my room

From digplanet.com

This is a story I wish was just something I imagined. But as much as it was chilling, it was real.

It was about 2 o’clock in the morning and I couldn’t sleep. All was silent. The lights in the house were turned off and everyone was asleep. I went downstairs to keep myself preoccupied. Hours after, as I was back inside my room, I noticed that oddly enough, the fan was open, contrary to me turning it off before I left.

As I laid on my bed and settled in, I couldn’t shake off this bad feeling seeping in my chest. I involuntarily scanned the room and noticed a figure standing several steps away from my bed. Faintly illuminated by the light shining through my bedroom window, I stared at the faceless woman in the white dress, whose hair was jet black, stiff and long.

My body immediately froze. Everything was then eerily silent and the air turned stiff, like all the particles in the air suddenly vanished. Something prickled my skin, and I felt like I was robbed of breath.

I shut my eyes, feeling my heart suddenly pounding through my chest and goose bumps engulfing me. I heard myself say, “Our Father in heaven, holy be thy name… Please give her peace. Lord, please make her go away.” over and over again. I couldn’t open my eyes, for fear that she was still there, possibly inches away from my face, and I couldn’t turn around and find a more comfortable position, for fear that she was beside me.

I kept counting the seconds until I finally opened my eyes. She was gone.

I jerked and stared into the darkness. I continued to breathe heavily as I mustered enough strength to rush to my sister’s bed and lay next to her. Shaking uncontrollably, with tears forming in my eyes, I told her what I saw.

Although my back was soothed and my mouth was hydrated with a glass of lukewarm water, I kept shivering. My eyes were wide open for fear that she would come back. Every sound I heard – the thud of the bedside drawer, the rustling of the leaves and the clattering of the pots and pans in the kitchen – frightened me.

“Please don’t make her come back. Please don’t make her come back,” I mustered to myself.

Paranoia took a hold of me as I continued to survey the room and constantly stare at the vacant corner where she stood, before I finally drifted off to sleep.

She wasn’t anything close to a shadow or floating, transparent entity. She was real, like a body I could touch. I was sure it wasn’t someone I knew, or someone I’ve lost.

Seeing her and her figure etched in my memory will make me think of creatures that roam and choose their victims, possibly anyone different enough to see things, or anyone who would coincidentally be awake at such an inconvenient hour.

How I floated in the dead space

From my Tumblr

It is about two o’clock in the morning. I am down to the last few words on the final page of a book I have deeply fallen in love with.

As I place the hardbound cover on the unmade sheets of my bed, I stare at the bland ceiling and the barrenness becomes more enchanting than it otherwise claims itself to be.

Something is tugging my sides yet I have not the faintest idea what it exactly is. Words seemed to form and erupt from the dusty, forgotten corners of the room and float in the dead space. It’s as if the world has a message for me. I start dreaming of things I don’t want to remember and things that I find most meaningful.

In the dim of the yellow light, I observe the stillness of my shadow and wonder how much of life I’ve learned about and how much I’ve yet to see. I get up, look out the window and see that the world is asleep, but I have never felt more alive, aware of how everything feels so heavy.

I don’t know what I’m trying to say or what my mind is capable of, yet I want to scream it to anybody who would understand. I feel disturbed as I am dealing with something I cannot fully comprehend, at least not at this very moment, or maybe at least not anytime soon. I’m floating in this space filled with much loss and uncertainty; in a world of maybe’s and probably’s.

Stuck in a trance, I shut my eyes, feel the lines on my face form, and try to drift off in peace and let the space engulf me.

He took me out for a swim

From my Tumblr

In a deserted area where the white sand gleamed under the heat of the young sun, our hearts were basking in a feeling we thought we had forgotten.

You looked at me with your half-opened eyes, took out your hand and said, “Let’s go.”

Thoughts lingered to a figure on the shore that was watching the tides roll by as they tickled her prune-like toes. But beneath the roaring of the wind and the explosion of the waves, I held on. I did not know where we were and how we were able to wade in the deep, but I was rattled by the need to drift away.

You stopped, wondered and asked if I could make it further, but I stared at the emptiness below my feet and I was unable to say anything.

Then I realized that although the horizon seemed terrifying and the vastness distant, I would look at you and adore how the water trickled from your fingertips and your eyelashes. I would whisper a "thank you" as the warmth of your hands comforted the dampness of mine after I told you how I felt about you. I would lean on your shoulder, look up at the clear sky, and close my eyes as I felt your hot breath and soft kisses on my forehead.

In that moment, all we had were the ocean bed and the painted hues changing above us as we watched the sun fall and rise, and fall and rise to the unknown.

.

As the time passed, I no longer felt the need to return to the land I once found refuge in. I stared at the horizon, looked away and marveled at the elegance of the waves beneath me.

I was surprised by this strong desire to stay longer than usual in between the barren shore and deep waters, and learn how to swim in both the stillness and rapidity. I happily waded and decided to plunge below the trenches at a different time when the skies would be much clearer and when I was braver and more skilled to tackle the waves.

In between dreams and consciousness

From ~sk8erteck's Deviantart account

I close my eyes and the sound continues to tickle my ears. As I fall asleep, everything suddenly becomes mute. I feel paralyzed, living somewhere between dreaming and being awake. The light streaming from the blinds that are gracefully swaying by the glass window wakes me up. I feel the crinkled sheets and smell traces of you. I lay my head on the worn out pillows and stare at the tiny specks that are floating in the air and dancing with the rays. With the time unnoticed and the world so still, I have never felt calmer.

If I fall in love with you, you will never die

From my Tumblr

Late at night or early in the morning, when my thoughts are in a colorless and hazy void, I will think of you. I will remember how your eyes told me the things you couldn’t say. I will remember how time spent with you easily flowed, time spent in a far off area that still felt like home to me. I will remember your stride, your pursed lips and your innocent kisses, the echoes of your laugh, the subtle lines on your face, the faint smell of your hair and the shape of your fingernails.

You will always will be that star hidden among the midnight clouds, the slight ripple in a calm sea, or the drop of rain in the humid air.

Whether or not we share some remaining parts of our lives together, if I fall in love and explore the deepest and darkest trenches with you, you will never die.

Take a trip

Photo by Kevin Prudon

Little adventures in places with hidden wonders.

The bright hues were beginning to darken. Lights from honking vehicles, lamp posts and nearby shops soon showcased, guiding our curious feet, interested minds and wandering eyes. Several lanterns hung above us, even banners with complex-looking Chinese characters.

Smells of incense, sweat, fried food, fruits being sold in vendors’ carts, aftermaths of light rain and traces of the day’s heat were irresistible. The flavors of Chinese noodles and other quite foreign, truly authentic delicacies danced around in my mouth. My palette was on fire.

Different sounds rung in my ears. Horses’ hooves attached to quaint kalesas cackling along the pavement, engines of cars and motorcycles, mixed and mostly heightened voices of people in contact.

And of course, there was the best kind of company. Thoughts were expressed, antics were shared, and warm memories were made.

Take trips in areas that you haven’t explored, with people who share the same passions you do. It soothes the soul. Or something like that.