From troubled beginnings

Photo from my Tumblr

Most of us trot in this world without a faint idea of where to go and what to do next.

Some of us are okay with that, and some of us aren’t.

We get into all these different things, meet different people, and get our hearts broken. And it cripples us, having to be pushed too far and having to settle for what we don’t deserve. It tires us, having to keep hoping, and having to regain strength and resilience to make mistakes, just to be disappointed over and over again.

But some of us have reached a point where we’re finally sure of something. And we’ve suddenly never been happier.

We’ve taken the initiative to find happiness instead of waiting for it. We’ve stopped doubting ourselves and started taking risks. We knew it wouldn’t be easy, but we kept going, knowing that continuously falling flat on our faces would eventually make us better people, those who are more prepared to face the world we still find beautiful, no matter what damage it has caused us.

It may have cost us a lot of things: leaving the people we once were, changing our ideals, and maybe even our passions or what we found most fulfilling. We may have let go of the things that used to matter and even the people we once loved.

But through all the gambles and stumbles, we’ve grown and become brave enough to venture into what we were once afraid of. We finally found what we’ve been looking for.

It’s thrilling to know that although many doubts remain and many dangerous adventures are out there for us to explore, at least at this point in our lives, we’re lucky enough to know that we’re where we want to be.

To my future lover

From my Tumblr

This is for the person I may or may not come across in my life.

I’m not going to tell you things about myself that I wish you would accept, or my quirks that you would hopefully find adorable. I’m not going to paint a picture of how I’d like you to be, or list some deal breakers that you should, at all costs, avoid.

I’m going to tell you that I don’t quite know what love really is. I don’t know the ideal love shared between two people, the kind that everybody wants. I’ve gone through things that have dramatically altered my views and expectations on that sort of thing, so I never really knew how to define it.

But no matter what definition I have of love, may it be completely sure or completely distorted, know this.

I’m thankful that I’ve met the person I’ve been saving my love for, the kind I’ve secretly believed always existed. I’m glad I’ve met the one who respects and understands the kind of love I am willing to give, the love I was always reluctant to face.

And even if we may not have the kind of future we’d hope for, I’d like to thank you for teaching me to be brave and for sharing these moments with me anyway.

Even so, I will love you for many reasons, but I will also love you for making me believe that this is something I can finally be sure of.

In all its tenderness

Taken by me

The stars tonight make me realize how many different worlds comprise the universe. I realize how vast our existence is and how trivial we may be.

These stars represent the worlds we know, the ones we can always escape to. But what happens when the worlds we find solace in end up being the same worlds we try running away from?

I use the energy I have left, shove the hesitance and slowly stand from the boulder I sat on. I take a deep breath and snuggle in my hoodie as I savor the cool breeze caressing my skin. I chuckle as the grass under my feet tickles my bony ankles. I watch the queer shadows and how they dance with the orange and vibrant flames, how these enticing flames would emit the most comforting heat being pressed against my skin.

I gaze at the midnight sky and notice how the stars resting on the mountain tops leave diamonds on the tips of weeds. I notice how the dying stars still manage to radiate faint surges of light. I watch the leaves fall off branches and land on damp soil in the most delicate way, the calm ripples of the lake and the silhouettes of islands surrounding this place we now deem our sanctuary.

I stare into the horizon and at the countless entities that still make my eyes glimmer, despite the darkness in which I constantly stumble.

The world’s tenderness found its way through. It has momentarily relieved me of the pain and has left me feeling more alive than ever as I no longer found the need to run away. I breathe a sigh of relief, close my eyes and listen to the warm laughter emerging from that calm night, a night I’d look back on with ultimate gratitude and affection.

Unrequited

From my Tumblr

I stared at the white, textured walls and felt that ongoing tug in my chest as you stood next to me.

I couldn’t deny that there seemed to be more to what we had and signed up for, something unspoken and not completely acknowledged. It was more than just the effortless and giddy vibes, the thoughtful gifts and meaningful conversations that ranged from playful to stimulating.

You were helping me become a better person. And the more I was with you the less fearful I was of my capability to love someone again.

But I suppose that bliss was only short-lived. Although I was never a hundred percent sure with you, or with anyone for that matter, I knew that what I’ve been feeling for you then was something I wanted to fight for and eventually did, even if you didn’t want to anymore. But I couldn’t complain because I was never yours and you were never mine.

I can’t deny the cracks you’ve caused and the bright streams of light that managed to make its way through the wall I’ve constantly built. That’s what I held on to, no matter how much I knew that it was better to live our lives apart as two people who have different paths and different dreams, people who needed to grow on their own.

In that defining moment, I couldn’t utter the words, asking you to stay with me. I couldn’t look at your sore and sad eyes and I couldn’t watch you eventually walk away. I turned around, closed my eyes and emitted tears because I knew you wouldn’t be there anymore.

Something got lost along the way when your priorities changed, as if I was no longer one of them. And I knew that I could no longer take the feeling of neglect and unrequited compromise. I could no longer believe that I mattered enough.

Even then, I won’t ever regret placing myself in a position of ambiguity and taking another chance because I knew you were worth it.

As I stood by that isolated corner, I felt the winds tease the strands of my hair. I took a deep breath, set aside the hurt for a moment and whispered words of gratitude. Thank you for being with me and for making me realize why it is only right to let go.