That tiny crack

Photo from my Tumblr

On the top floor of an old warehouse, under all the glimmer of the stars and bodacious gleam of city lights, I aimlessly wonder what is beyond.

I watch my life pass by and every second is a remembrance of what has been. I have no traces of my father growing up. Mother would always keep him hidden, like a rich memory kept away. She’d always seem so distant whenever I’d ask about him. I continue to wonder if he’s the man smoking by the pavement, or the man eating a sandwich by the fountain, or the man walking his dog every day before dawn.

I consider myself a wallflower, unnoticed, unseen, unheard of. Being shoved and hit would be a daily routine for me as I’d walk down the hallways of my otherwise peculiar school. I never had any real friends. I don’t think I ever talked to anyone about anything. I just wrote them all down. I’d pretend they were being read, though.

One time, during one of our school dances, a boy talked to me. He had very bright eyes that seemed to have a life of their own. I couldn’t help staring. He made me laugh and cry at the same time, and I didn’t even know that was possible. We would see each other every day, talking about different things and going to different places. I never thought I could feel that way about anyone.

One day, I was down by the pier, at our favorite spot. The sunset was beautiful, but I wished he was there so he could hold my hand and wait until the sky was dark. It was one of our favorite things to do. I waited for hours and hours. Weeks passed by. He left town, his friend said. Didn’t you know?

My mother barged into my room to find me sobbing on the floor. “I told you not to trust him,” she said. “I told you not to trust anyone.” I tried looking into her tired eyes and I didn’t know who she was and what else she would say. Several coughs emerged as I could smell the rotten smoke coming out of her mouth. I continued crying until I dozed off on the cold floor. I stopped believing in anything ever since.

I step on the ledge, look below and watch cars viciously pass by. People seemingly, nonchalantly are taking strolls down the sidewalk. I thought of things I would say to people who would want to ask about my life, and I realized that there were none. There was nothing to say, no one to talk to, and no one who would understand.

The cool wind tries to choke me and catch my breath. I slip and the horizon disappears.